Sunday, November 20, 2011

Out There on my Own

Sometimes I wonder who I am, where I've been, do I fit in?  No, not really.

Here is what I really wonder.

Why, no matter how busy I am, do I insist upon cutting out the box tops for school.  I remember a time when my world had literally collapsed, all was lost. I had trouble finding a reason to live and yet I could not physically throw away that cereal box without snipping the box top. Was it a desperate attempt to hold on to normalcy or was it a matter of sanity?

Why do I love marching bands and bagpipes? If I see a marching band with bagpipes I will cry.  The same holds true for fireworks if the Lee Greenwood song, "Proud to be an American" is played.

How can I hate politicians and politics so much that I refuse to watch, participate or expose myself to news, other than that which I carefully screen through my rose colored glasses while I clearly feel unsettled enough to lose sleep at night?

Why do I test the limits of health and well being? I mean, for God's sake, what is this wreckless behavior all about? Mom used to say I was well adept at cutting off my nose to spite my face. But what if my face was happy to be rid of my nose? Sometimes you have to lose by a nose, right?

Why have I spent the last year and a half not the slightest bit interested in having a mate, counterpart, companion, lover or whatever the hell else one might normally desire in their life?  Is there something wrong with me, this need to be on my own? There have been times when I thought about my grandmother who lost her husband at a young age and never married or once even dated to the day she died at the age of 93. I adored her.  Did I admire her too much?  Did I receive her gutsy determination or did I inherit her thankfullness to be free?  Was she free or was she lonely? Did she choose to be single or was the choice made for her?  She raised three kids on her own but was she successful or sorry in the end?

Sometimes I wonder who I am, where I've been, do I fit in - but those thoughts are most often replaced by a fierce need to get through each day raising my three kids on my own; finding a way to make them feel my love beyond words, working hard to pay our bills and struggling, at times, to find a reason to wake up and cut another box top.

Am I missing the bigger picture here?

After all, what about God?


  1. Just want you to know that I've read this, but that I want a little time to absorb it before commenting. Last time I checked, your blog was that still the case? If so, may I have the password?

    Glad to know you're still out there...

  2. I think we all wonder where we fit in and what is the point of it all, does that help at all, at least not to feel like you are the only one? On the mate part, I don't know, sometimes I think the desire to be alone is your soul's way of saying your working through something so big that you can't have another person's self to worry about, like when I'm at the grocery store and I realize my cart is filled with orange juice and lemons and the ingredients for chicken soup and the next day, I come down with a cold, it's like my body already knew I was going to need the vit c and soup. The self-destructiveness, I think it's usually about not thinking you're good enough to be treated well, even by yourself. But this is because that's how it was for me, but really, I don't know shit about anyone else.

  3. Had to stop and read this ....... this morning. Sometimes we all feel a little off center....I know I do. Don't know if it is all the cheeriness around during the holidays making one feel like they are missing something if they don't have a terminal case of the perks. A lot of the day it is just putting one foot in front of the other...carrying on....don't the best one can.


  4. You love bagpipes because they are the most emotionally resonant instrument on the planet, they can make you smile, they can make you weep but in the end they alwasy make you feel.

  5. Zen Mama, where'd your blog go? I'm an in-frequent visitor, I know, but I tried to pop in today to play catch up and found no link where yours used to be...just curious.

    In response to this post... I think the most important thing to consider here is this: "Are you happy with your nose?" (Not literally, of course.) Do you feel a need to search out a mate? Or a politician who isn't entirely contemptible? Or God? If not, that doesn't mean anything is just means that not everyone's formula for happiness is the same. I'm a strong believer in following your heart.