Friday, August 6, 2010

It's only weird for everyone else

My husband and I have what most would call, and unusual relationship with his ex wife.  They married when she was 18 and he got her pregnant.  He wanted to do "the right thing" and she's the type of person who just wants to be loved and can never be by herself.  So they got married and their son was born.  3 weeks later, he was shipped off to Iraq.  They were married for 3 and a half years and it ended when she asked for a divorce because she had fallen in love with someone else while he was in Iraq.  After time, he's learned to forgive her.  She got married way too young, and he knows they weren't meant to be together. 

During the time that Ghost and I "dated", she was completely opposed to the very idea of me.  When she found out that I was moving here, she threw a hissy fit.  I can't say I completely blame her either.  She didn't know me and I was going to be an integral part of her son's life.  And on the other side of the table, I didn't like her at all.  She wasn't as interested in her son as I thought she should be, she moved from guy to guy and fell head over heels in love with each one, she was all up in Ghost's shit everyday and was always asking him for help.  This annoyed me. 

Then I moved here and the day after, met the ex.  I was not impressed to say the least.  She walked in my front door like she owned the place, sat down on MY barstools and started eating her lunch.  I felt like grabbing her hair and saying, "who the fuck do you think you are"?  But I played it cool and just smiled and tried to get to know her.  Over the next few months I realized, she's not a horrible person, she just has NO self esteem.

She would come over to our house at least 2 times a week and hang out with us.  She invited me places with her family, and her friends.  Sometimes I went, sometimes I didn't.  But she showed me kindness when I knew no one here.  She was willing to share herself and her friends with me and happily.  Sure, sometimes it's weird.  When she goes into detail on her and my husband's sex life I get a little creeped out.  Who wouldn't?  And it's not always rainbows and butterflies.  When she gets mad about something, she flips out.  I mean when its good,  its good.  But when its bad, its BAD. 

But overall, I'm so thankful that we found a way to make it work.  All 3 of us.  It's so rare that a relationship like ours works.  Who else can say that their current husband's ex wife comes over at least 3-4 times a week now and occasionally spends the night when we've all had too much to drink?  Best of all, she supports me and my role as step mother to her son.  She doesn't disagree when she's over here and I discipline him or tell him yes, you can have that extra snack that probably has too much sugar.  She takes my daughter over to her house for sleepovers to give my husband and I a much needed break.  She holds my newborn every time she comes over and gives her so much love and begs to have her for a sleepover too. 

It's a weird concept for everyone else.  But for us?  It works.  


  1. I'm so glad for you. My husband was married before but his wife passed away. It sounds cruel but it is much easier. They were happily married, so no baggage except grief, I have no exwife to accommodate(just her family and they are wonderful), and I am mom, not stepmom, which in\s an easier and less ambiguous role. Good for you for letting your initial feelings sit while you gave her a chance.

  2. Yeah, its definitely not always easy. But it works and it benefits all of our kids.

  3. Damn, you guys are like, all grown up about it and shit.

    My divorced parents and their second spouses always made an effort to get along. I know it was more for our sake though than the fact that they really enjoyed each other's company. That's a rare thing what you've got.

  4. Both my ex's previous two exes have been my closest, strongest friends for over 20 years now. The first couple of years were rocky while we sorted out boundaries, but these two women are probably the best thing I got from that relationship.

    What sounds really excellent and important about your friendship is that she supports you as her son's stepmother. That's amazing.

  5. I have yet to meet my husband's ex. The only thing I want her to know is that I will do anything to help both of them parent their children. That would NOT have happened 20 years ago. I admire you, BB.

  6. Seriously, I never know how to respond to your writing. I always read it because it's good, but I'm so not good at coming up with responseses. es. responsesseseds.

    I have no basis of comparison. I cannot relate. But I do know that if anyone could make a ridiculously awkward situation work, one that so seeped in outside judgement and fucking bullshit, one that depends on your ability to take something uncomfortable and make it work, it's you and the Ghost. Together.

  7. I think. At least I think that. FUcking yeah.

  8. Fuck, I hope I can do it that well. I keep saying to myself that as long as my children are surrounded by capable, mature people who love them, then all is well. And yet, there are moments when the only part of this story I can relate to is imagining pulling a bitch off her barstool by the hair.

    It may be too soon for me to comment on this one. But I do so love the way you guys are taking care of business.